Phish Studies Conference, Oregon State University, May 17-19, 2019
“The Line”: 7/1/2014, Edgefield, South Carolina by Nicole Isenbarger
My autoethnographic story reflects on how hearing the album version of “The Line” immediately after being told that I had tongue cancer helped me cope with the news. Learning the news was nothing like what we see in Hollywood movies: after two separate diagnoses of cancer I have still never seen the inside of my oncologists office. Instead I found myself alone on the side of a country road two hours from home hearing the news over the phone.
Things were starting to fall into place for us. Our non-profit organization was starting to get larger projects that were aligned with our research interests. I had been out of town on a business meeting all day in preparation for a new project and was about to make the two-hour drive home when my phone rang. I saw it was the doctor’s office as I had recently gone in because I hadn’t been feeling well and seemed to be chewing my tongue in my sleep.
I answered the phone and in my usual form misunderstood what they said and there was some confusion over the annunciation of my last name. I made a joke which caught the doctor off guard and he laughed quite heartily.
The call fell silent…I felt a sinking in my stomach…
the doctor sighed and I knew instantly.
He proceeded to tell me that the results came back from my biopsy and I had tongue cancer. He was deeply upset he had to tell me over the phone but I needed to be seen as quickly as possible and he wanted to tell me the news before the oncologist’s office reached me to set up the first of many appointments.
My mind was racing. I couldn’t focus my thoughts on anything and wasn’t able to let the news sink in. Instead I felt empathy for the doctor having to tell me the news. We had hit it off during my visit, having a common interest in archaeology, and I found him very kind so I made sure to reassure him that everything was fine. My mind jumped to my husband and how I was going to break the news to him that I had the same cancer that his father died from 10 years earlier. This wasn’t anything like I had seen in the movies where the patient sits in the safe confines of their doctors office.
Instead I found myself in the middle of South Carolina’s backcountry – alone.
I turned on the car hoping that moving would help me process the information and wanting to be home already I didn’t want to delay my trip any longer than necessary. I had been listening to the Fuego album and as the stereo clicked on it picked up at the chorus of “The Line”:
“You try to see your future from the line
And you’re clinging to the notion you’ll be fine”
The eerie coincidence of hearing these words at this moment hit me hard. I found myself sitting at a T-intersection on a quiet country road. I stared at the farm field past the intersection, listening to the lyrics, trying to process what was happening. I realized I was literally at a crossroads in my life. This diagnosis was life-changing. It was a breech in my timeline and regardless of the final outcome, nothing would be the same again. I had a proverbial line I needed to step up to.
“Dry mouth, push it out, I can hear my heart pound, a hero’s what I’m not
Voices scream, flashes flare, frozen as the people stare, my crucifixion shot…”
The lyrics allowed me to process the information in a more familiar way. The song and its message caught me when I needed to hear it most. Hearing it through Phish–a band usually associated with positivity–allowed me to contemplate my situation in a way that looked beyond myself. I reflected on an interview with Trey Anastasio for the Memphis Flyer, where he discussed the inspiration for the song and how the underlying theme is about overcoming adversity and drawing new strengths within them (Boone 2013). We all have mishaps and downfalls in life which we can see as either a dead end or a shift in our path. It is more about your approach to these issues when they arise. I could either wallow in self-pity and despair, become overcome with fear, or I could step up to the line and face this challenge with everything I had. Inspired by the character and strength showed by both Darius Washington Jr. and Anastasio I decided on the latter.
I gathered my thoughts, turned my right blinker on, and started heading home and making a plan of attack for how to throw everything I had into facing this challenge.
The music helped me step outside of my usual logic-oriented thinking and explore the situation in a more creative way. Through music I was able to see a timeline beyong the current moment, muster strength to face my adversity, and find hope for a future beyond my current diagnosis.
I felt inspired to move forward and improvise a new beginning for myself.
While fans have been waiting for major improvisation or a jam in live performances of “The Line,” I think part of what Anastasio and the band are doing with the song is allowing us as fans to improvise on the lyrics in the decisions that we make in our own lives as we step over the line. Life, like improvisation, challenges our norm. And meeting that challenge requires both strength of character and a step over the line.
Sharing in the grooves 